Conversation 4
There were times in leadership when I felt like the villain.
Not because I believed I was doing something wrong. Sometimes, quite the opposite. I was making a decision I believed was in the organisation’s best interests, but I couldn’t always explain everything behind it.
That can be a very lonely place to lead from.
In Conversation 1, I asked: Who supports the woman who is supporting everyone else? This week, I want to answer that question honestly.
Sometimes You Cannot Tell the Whole Story
As you become more senior, you become privy to information you simply cannot share.
There were times when my team had done considerable work preparing a paper for the Board. We would present it, and the Board would decide not to approve it. Naturally, the team wanted to know why.
But sometimes the reasons involved discussions or information I could not disclose.
So the team saw the outcome without seeing everything that led to it. It could look as though decisions were being made haphazardly, or as though I had not advocated strongly enough for something we had agreed on. At times, it could even cause people to question my judgement.
Yet I still had an obligation to maintain confidentiality.
That is one of the uncomfortable realities of leadership. Sometimes you are accountable for a decision you are not at liberty to fully explain. And you have to live with that.
The Decisions That Keep You Up at Night
The most difficult decisions I have ever made involved people. Terminating employees, above all.
Even with the facts in front of you, you second-guess yourself. You think about their circumstances and their families. You ask whether your own biases have played any part. I sometimes think about people convicted of crimes they did not commit. If that can happen in a courtroom, with all the evidence before a judge, could I be getting this wrong too?
I remember one employee in particular. We had just gone through a restructuring. Their job wasn’t made redundant, but they ended up at a different level than before. It was one of the most difficult times of my leadership.
Relationships can change too. I once had a particularly good relationship with a colleague.
We were around the same age and got along well. Then a situation arose where I had to make a decision that wasn’t in that person’s best interest. It was not easy. But I believed it was right for the organisation, and I had to make it.
You can care about someone and still have to make a decision they will not like. And sometimes you must accept that the relationship may never be quite the same.
When Something Goes Wrong
Leadership is lonely in another way when a decision goes wrong.
It may have been a team decision. You may have consulted widely and acted on the best information available. But when you are the leader, the responsibility is ultimately yours.
You cannot point downwards and say, “That was not me.”
Leadership gives you authority. It also gives you accountability. Sometimes that means standing in front of a decision that did not work and saying: this happened under my leadership, and I am responsible for what happens next.
There is weight in that.
You Are Not Imagining It
This experience is common. In a survey of first-time chief executives by the leadership consultancy RHR International, reported in the Harvard Business Review, half said they felt lonely in the role, and most of them believed it was hurting their performance.
The Pressure to Be the Strong One
For women, there is often another layer.
Even when something bothered me deeply, I felt I had to project strength. Even my children would sometimes ask me, “But Mommy, you do not cry?”
Of course I cried. But sometimes it felt as though if I cried, everything else might crumble. So you hold it together. You deal with what needs to be dealt with. You support everybody else. And later, when you are away from everyone, you allow yourself to release it.
Many women leaders are carrying responsibilities at home as well: children, ageing parents, a spouse in need of care, other family members who depend on them. They are expected to be strong at work and strong at home.
And in leadership, vulnerability can feel risky. In Conversation 2, I shared that I had been called “too emotional”. A woman who shows emotion may not be seen as a leader with a human response. She may be seen as weak.
But strength doesn’t mean nothing affects you. Strength and vulnerability are not opposites. Sometimes strength is knowing where it is safe to put down what you have been carrying.
What Carried Me
For me, it was mostly my faith and my family.
I prayed for wisdom every day, and I made it a practice to spend the first few minutes in my office reflecting quietly before the day began.
I could not always share the details of what I was dealing with. But I could depend on my family to understand how much I could share, and to support me anyway. Sometimes, just knowing that someone cares makes the load lighter.
I also had a circle of girlfriends who understood the weight of my responsibility. They made sure that at least once a month we had a social event that took me away from everything. No decisions. No reports. Just love and laughter. Genuine and authentic friendship.
They did not need to know the details of what I was carrying. They simply knew me. Women I could laugh with, cry with, talk about my children with, talk about life with, and sometimes say very little. There is safety in that.
I remember, too, a manager who became that kind of support for me professionally. When something had really upset me, I could call her and say whatever I needed to say. She would listen. And when I had finished, she would simply ask, “Feeling better now?”
Sometimes that was all I needed. Not a solution. Not someone telling me what I should have done. Just a safe place to release what I was carrying, regain my perspective, and go back to doing what needed to be done.
And I was blessed to have a couple of colleagues I could trust and seek a second opinion from on important decisions, so I wasn’t carrying them alone.
Leadership May Require Discretion. It Should Not Require Isolation.
There will always be things a senior leader cannot share. But confidentiality should not mean having no one.
Here is what I would suggest to any woman stepping into senior leadership:
Make room for stillness. Even a few minutes of quiet at the start of the day can steady you for whatever follows.
Find people outside your organisation who understand the pressures without being caught up in the politics.
Consider a coach or mentor. At senior levels, a confidential space to reflect is part of leading well.
Keep the friendships that take you away from it all. The people who knew you before the title will help you remember who you are without it.
And build these relationships before the crisis comes.
What Have I Learned?
Leadership can be lonely.
There will be decisions you cannot fully explain. There will be outcomes you must take responsibility for. Some relationships will change because responsibility requires a difficult choice. And there may be moments when everyone expects you to be strong while you are wondering who will be strong for you.
But leadership does not require us to carry everything alone.
Know who your people are.
Know where you can be vulnerable.
Know who will listen without needing the confidential details.
And know where you can take off the title for a while and simply be yourself.
My girlfriends did that for me.
Next week, we will look at that kind of support more closely, in a courageous conversation: Myth, Reality or Responsibility?
For now, my question for you:
Who supports you when you are the person everyone else expects to be strong?
