Conversation 5
Before I worked for my first woman leader, someone warned me.
As I prepared to join her unit, a colleague warned me, using language I will not repeat, that she was difficult and would be tough on me.
I remember hearing the warning, but I also made a conscious decision.
That was her experience. It did not have to become mine.
I believe the relationship between a leader and an employee depends on many factors, including personal chemistry. I chose not to judge her based on someone else’s experience. My focus was on doing my work. If friendship developed, that would be a bonus, but I would form my own judgment.
I am glad I did. That woman became one of the best leaders I had worked with at that stage of my career.
What If I Had Believed the Warning?
I think about that sometimes.
If I had entered with suspicion, every firm instruction could have reinforced the warning. Disagreements might have seemed like proof she was difficult, and challenging assignments could have felt personal.
I might have unintentionally created the very dynamic I was warned about.
This is why discussions about women supporting women must go beyond slogans. Sometimes, support starts with allowing each woman to be judged by her own actions, not by someone else’s reputation.
Women can also perpetuate stereotypes about other women.
Another Woman Taught Me How to Think
Earlier in my banking career, another woman leader gave me a lesson I have carried ever since.
I would go to her with a problem, expecting her to tell me what to do. Her response was, “You think they’re paying me to think for you? You tell me what you think you should do.”
She was not being dismissive. She was developing me.
She expected me to arrive with options, think through the problem, exercise judgment, and recommend a course of action. After that, I always considered solutions before bringing her a problem.
She could have given me the answers, but instead, she taught me how to find them.
She was not the only one. In Conversation 3, I described the woman who taught me to articulate my contributions. In Conversation 4, I mentioned the supervisor who would listen and then ask, “Okay. You okay now?” Women have shaped my leadership in lasting ways.
Support Does Not Always Look Soft
Perhaps this is often misunderstood about women supporting women.
Support is not always praise or agreement, and it certainly does not mean lowering standards for another woman.
Sometimes support means challenging her, providing honest feedback privately and with care, encouraging her to think critically and use her voice, letting her know when she is ready for more, advocating for her in new spaces, and opening doors while expecting her to succeed on her own merit.
I believe women have a unique responsibility to one another, as we understand the challenges women face in the workplace. We know confidence can be misread as aggression, and that women who advance may face speculation about their achievements rather than recognition. Having experienced these challenges, we should avoid making it harder for those who follow.
But Support Cannot Mean Blind Loyalty
Supporting women does not mean supporting every woman regardless of competence, behavior, or performance. It does not mean agreeing solely because another woman is present, or promoting someone who is not ready simply to increase representation.
That helps no one.
Women deserve what all developing leaders deserve: opportunity, honesty, challenge, advocacy, and accountability.
Support and standards are not opposites. Holding someone to a high standard while helping her achieve it may be one of the greatest forms of support.
I Tried to Carry That Forward
Developing people, both men and women, became very important to me as a leader.
I enjoy seeing people grow, discover their potential, speak up, find their passion, and prepare for greater responsibility.
Not everyone appreciated my leadership style at the time. I was firm and expected high standards. As the first woman in a particular leadership role, I was acutely aware of the need to perform at a high level, knowing how easily women can be judged.
When I eventually left the bank, I was given a book of messages from people I had worked with, including some I had not managed directly.
What stood out to me was what they remembered: learning to speak up, finding their passion, and becoming stronger in work and life. Some noted that, although my approach was sometimes difficult to understand, they later recognised its purpose.
That meant a great deal to me. Leadership should leave a lasting impact on people, not just achieve results through them.
The Power of a Circle
There is good evidence that women supporting women makes a real difference.
A 2019 study from Northwestern University, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, followed graduates of a leading business school. Women who had a close inner circle of other women, alongside a broad wider network, were far more likely to reach high-level leadership positions than women without that inner circle.
The researchers suggested that close female contacts can share private knowledge about an organization’s culture and barriers, similar to what men often gain through their own informal networks.
In Conversation 4, I wrote about my circle of girlfriends. Without fully realising it, we were doing exactly that for each other.
Men Belong in This Conversation Too
Some of my strongest supporters were men who recognised my potential, provided opportunities, and advocated for me because they believed in my abilities.
This series is not about women versus men. If we want more women to succeed in leadership, we need supportive men involved, too.
However, women can uniquely offer each other recognition—a quiet understanding that says, I know something about the road you are travelling because I have travelled part of it too.
Challenge the Story We Tell About Women
I have heard women say, “I would rather work for a man.” “Women leaders are difficult.” “Women don’t support other women.”
I wonder if repeating these statements helps to keep them alive.
Research suggests the “queen bee” stereotype is not the whole story. Belle Derks, Colette Van Laar and Naomi Ellemers, writing in The Leadership Quarterly in 2016, found that when senior women distance themselves from junior women, it tends to happen in workplaces where women face gender bias and feel pressure to prove they are different. The environment shapes the behaviour.
There are difficult leaders of both genders, and there are extraordinary leaders who develop people and leave them stronger than they found them.
The better question may be: What kind of woman will I choose to be when another woman is finding her way?
Will I repeat what I have heard about her, or give her the opportunity to show me who she is?
Will I keep hard-earned lessons to myself, or share them?
Will I recognise her potential and remain silent, or will I tell her?
When she has earned it, will I advocate for her in spaces she has not yet entered?
What Have I Learned?
I have benefited from women who challenged me, developed me and taught me lessons I still carry.
I have benefited from men who recognised my leadership and supported my advancement.
And I have tried to give some of that back.
Yes, I believe women should support other women, not blindly, and not simply because of shared gender. When you understand the obstacles another woman may face, you can choose to be either another obstacle or part of her support system.
That is the responsibility.
Next week, we will discuss a topic many women navigate quietly: balancing ambition, family, and self.
For now, my question for you:
When another woman follows in your footsteps, what are you doing to ensure she does not have to learn every lesson the hard way?
